


Finding Fault

by MeredithBrody



Series: NOLA Fic Dump [23]
Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode Tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:05:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6451195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The morning of Savannah's funeral Pride struggles with his feelings of guilt. (EpTag 1x22)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding Fault

“ _ **Remember what you said. When you start blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault... there’s no coming back from that.” J.D. 'Scrubs'**_

They'd arrived the night before, and she'd decided that getting a twin room had ended up being a good plan, as most of the night before she'd ended up sat up talking through cases with Pride, then they'd spoken about today. That was when she'd first realised that he blamed himself. This morning it seemed like he was focusing on that. Until this moment, as she put her earrings in, that he'd decided to talk about it. "It's my fault."

"No it's not." She shot back, finishing putting her earring in and deciding that putting a little more bronzer on would look better. She knew it wasn't necessary, but she wanted to look appropriate right now. She'd only met Savannah briefly, but it still felt important she was here, that they were here as a team. The two boys both needed to heal.

"Yes it is." Pride argued, and while she wanted to think of something witty to say in response, she couldn't actually think of anything. She just turned and glared at him for a minute as he fought with his tie again.

"King." She chastised, finishing what she was doing and standing up to come to him. She just really wanted to remind him that blame wasn't something that mattered today. Whether or not it was his fault, nobody cared, and not everything Baitfish had done was his fault anyway. "It's the funeral, and that isn't your fault. Not everything Baitfish did was your fault."

"I'm self aware enough to know that this is my fault." Self-aware was his term, self-absorbed was hers. Though in this situation she didn't think telling him that would be for the best. In fact, she was certain that telling him that would not be for the best. "All of this. I could have ended this."

"That wasn't the way the cards fell." She couldn't think of anything more to say than that. Could things have been different? Of course they could have been, but that wasn't how things had gone. She was proud of how their team had dealt with everything in the last few days and weeks, and she was proud that he was their boss. But he couldn't see the good in this situation.

"I know, but I still could have stopped this. Everything." He was still focusing on the things he felt he could have changed. She knew him, and she knew every detail about this, from the case to how he'd personally felt, and she knew that he had done everything he could have done. "All the deaths, all the intrigue, all the problems." The list wasn't exhaustive, she knew that, but he was still only focusing on the negative.

She decided it was time she called him by his name. Using that codename now didn't make any sense. He was dead, and Pride was still letting him win. She didn't want Jenks to win, and convincing Pride of that was going to be the most important thing. "Jenks was who he was, King, and you are who you are. Nothing Jenks did was your fault."

"Sophie Brooks, Meredith." He cut her off, and then used her full name. That's when she knew he was truly blaming himself. For Sophie Brooks maybe she'd let him take the blame. But everything else was on Jenks, not on Pride. "That's on me."

"One thing. One thing you have worked to overcome for more than a decade." She had seen everything that he'd done to overcome that. She knew how he felt, to have a dozen deaths on your conscience. She also knew what he'd said once. That was to be expected in their profession. They had chosen that. "You aren't to blame for every bad thing he ever did."

"Maybe I should be." He muttered and walked away, and she had to follow him to keep up, not that their room here was large, and the two beds helped stop him from walking too far away.

"Remember what you said to me?" She asked, since she was reminded of some of the things he'd said to her a few months previously, she didn't see the problem in reminding him of what he'd said.

"What?" He replied, and she just took a breath, again standing in front of him and turning him to a position where he couldn't easily duck her eye line. She wasn't in the mood to chase his gaze all around the room, and she wasn't in the mood for his pessimism. She needed to break him of this mood, and fast.

"After Hackett died and the investigation into the _Moultrie_ was reopened. When I was blaming myself for everything." She really had been too, she'd blamed herself for things going wrong on the case, things going wrong on the _Moultrie_ , things going wrong for Emily. Everything had been her fault, and he'd not let her wallow. "You told me then that, when someone in our profession starts blaming themselves for something that wasn't their fault, they were done. There was no coming back from that."

"And you think I'm blaming myself for things that weren't my fault?" That was a loaded question, but she was ready for it. She had known it, or something like it, was coming. She shook her head and sighed, lifting his chin until he was looking at her again.

"It wasn't your fault that Jenks targeted LaSalle. It wasn't your fault that Savannah was home instead." That was something he couldn't argue. She knew that. There were choices there started by everyone but him. His choice wouldn't matter.

He just looked at her for a moment, and she could see the pain of whatever he was thinking about cross his face. "Would you be saying that if it was you?"

"Yes. If Jenks had targeted me rather than LaSalle, then he would have got me. I don't live with anyone." That was not exactly the most comforting thought right now, and were she anywhere else she would probably have regretted saying it, but as it was she hoped that it would get it through to Pride how stupid he was being right now. "But I'd still hope that someone was at my funeral kicking your ass for being so stupid."

"Mered-" He started, but she put her fingers on his lips, not wanting him to continue at all. For one thing, when he said her name like that she normally let him talk, and he normally did it to put her off when he knew she was right.

"No, King. Stop. I know you, and I know you like to accept blame for all the world's wrongs. But this isn't about you." She was going to make him think about that, and think about why they were here, in a hotel miles from home. It wasn't for them, and it wasn't for no reason. He needed to be reminded of that. "Right now this is about Savannah and Chris, and about everyone else who lost someone to Baitfish. It's not about you."

"Maybe not, and when I'm at the funeral I'll focus on Chris and Savannah and everyone else, here it's just me and you." That observation was well placed, and she was certain that he would behave at the funeral. But she was still worried that he was having these thoughts at all.

"That's true. Let me fix your tie." She stepped forward, because it was just the two of them she didn't have to act like wasn't worried. They were close enough at this point for her to worry about him. She knew him and this whole reaction to Jenks and Savannah had her beyond worried. She was worried about LaSalle too, but he had his family and friends all around him, Pride had her, and that was it. "King, you don't need to let this define you. Nobody else blames you."

"I blame me, that's enough." He spat out bitterly, and she could understand how he felt, and his bitterness, but she still wasn't going to let him get away with that, or get away with anything on this train of thought.

She sighed again and shook her head once more as she started sorting his tie properly. "King." She scolded a little more harshly than she had before.

"It's my fault." He repeated his earlier comment, and this time instead of leaving him to wallow in pity she lifted his chin until he met her eyes. She wasn't going to let him think about all this and blame himself when it really wasn't his fault.

"No, it's not." She shook her head, hoping that it would all get into his mind while she was stood there telling him that he really shouldn't blame himself. Probably he would rebuild himself after the funeral, when they got home and he didn't need to face this every day. He just seemed to be wanting to keep blaming himself.

"Yes, it is." He just dropped his forehead to her shoulder, and that was when she realised that he might be more broken by this than anyone had realised. She just wrapped her arms around him as he cried onto her shoulder, and she hoped that it would be enough that he had somewhere to let this all out. He needed safety, and security, and she would try to do just that. He just needed a friend, and she'd be that too.


End file.
